When Joe Campbell wrote The Chainsaw Sharks I swore I would never write again. I thought that there wasn’t any point in even trying to match such a perfect literary masterpiece.
Then, one day, a shaft of light fell upon me from the heavens. I rushed to my computer and let my fingers fly across the keyboard. When I was finished, I wept, for I realized I had written the most beautiful and tragic romance of all time.
I give you…
Hear friend, and listen to the story of a love so pure as to make a hardened warrior weep.
This is a story of difference and sameness, a story of joy and tragedy, a story of the unique and unbreakable bond between a woman and a tyrannosaurus rex.
None had ever seen a woman as lovely as Lady Matilda. Her form was comely, her eyes like glowing sapphires, her hair like the wisps of lichen swaying from the treetops. Her skin glowed with the softness of nuclear fire, her lips the red-hot center.
None who glimpsed that face could cease speaking of it. Though many a nobleman tried to win the heart of fair Matilda, she scorned them all. Some she hurled from her balcony, some she beheaded, some she slowly poisoned. Yet this did not stop men from trying to win her, for she was lovely and men in love are fools.
Now, word of her beauty spread all the way to the Kingdom of Pangea which was inhabited by the great prehistoric beasts, and ruling over the beasts was the tyrannosaurus, whose name means “king” in the old tongue, for truly he was a king. He heard tales of the lady’s beauty and longed to see her face.
He traveled for three days and three nights, eating nothing along the way except the occasional peasant. On the evening of the third day, under the cover of darkness, he approached her tower as she stood upon her balcony, gazing wistfully over the hills. A ray of moonlight illuminated her comely face and Rex fell hopelessly in love.
She saw him too, with his great claws and sharp teeth, and yellow eyes burdened by unquenchable hunger. She realized that she loved him more than she could ever love any man.
At once she sent for a fine steer, which she had hurled into his waiting jaws. In return, he sang to her, a song of his unending love.
Every day he came to see her. He would sing to her anew, and she would throw him steaks, mutton, and any suitors who happened to be visiting, which he would gratefully devour. Their love grew and they were happy, except for one thing.
When he finished singing to her each evening, she would wrap her arms around his scaly snout and embrace him. But alas! He could not embrace her back, for his arms were too short.
She told him she didn’t care, that she loved him exactly as he was. But Rex cared.
He was ashamed that he could not embrace his beloved.
He spent many long hours, staring at his reflection on the surface of the lake, resenting his shriveled, useless arms. He would cry out to heaven, asking why God bothered giving tyrannosaurus’s arms at all when they were good for nothing.
Then he would wonder how long it would be before Matilda left him for one of her human suitors, who could hug her properly.
Now, Rex heard word of an enchantress who could help with his problem. So he journeyed into the mountains and presented his dilemma to her. She gave him a potion and swore to him that at dawn, he would have useful arms.
He took the potion to the lakeside where he drank it. At once, he fell into a deep sleep and when he woke, he was overcome with delight. For he had bronzed, muscular human arms that would make Hercules jealous.
He was overcome with joy and ran at once to Matilda’s tower, calling out to her.
She came out onto her balcony and let out an awful shriek. For the thing she saw charging toward her, was not her beloved, but an ungodly abomination! As he came below her balcony, she swooned and fell down into his open jaws.
Rex gasped and in doing so, accidentally swallowed her in a single tragic gulp. She was delicious but that did not stop him from crying out in horror. He had eaten his beloved! How could he do such an awful thing? He threw himself down into the grass and was so consumed by grief he went extinct.
And to this day, if you pass by that field of the weeping reeds, you can hear him singing his song of sorrow, and if you listen closely, you may hear his beloved singing along with him from the depths of his cavernous bowels, joined together for eternity.
Contemplate this tale and weep.