Limericks

I went to search in the patch,
For a fat pumpkin to snatch. 
The vegetable's fate
Was muffins on my plate.
I promptly whipped up a batch.

I gained ten pounds just writing this limerick.

Everything’s cinnamon spice,
And sweaters are comfy and nice. 
We’re done with the pool, 
‘Cause the weather is cool,
This season is paradise.

I used to be a summer purist but I’ve grown to appreciate fall in my old age.

A botanist went on a rant,
On how to care for his favorite plant.
Too wet or too dry,
It would wither and die. 
Its tolerance was incredibly scant.

A burglar purchased a book, 
Called Ten Tips for Being a Crook. 
So his search engine knew, 
What he was going to do,
And had the police take a look.

A scientist applied for some grants,
So she could teach bugs to wear pants.
But she was denied, 
And the reason supplied:
It is impractical to dress ants.

This experiment raises important questions like when making pants for insects, do you add four or six leg holes? I’m thinking maybe the first set of legs should be considered arms. It could also be that insects have four arms and two legs, in which case you’d need to make them four-armed sweaters and two-legged pants…

(Katy stares into the abyss pondering life’s most important questions.)

An internet troll loved to fight. 
And would argue online day and night.  
Though he loved to correct,  
He would never reflect, 
And was always convinced he was right.  

A painter admired his art,
While pressing his hands to his heart.
But the very next day, 
He threw it away,
And decided to make a fresh start.

The struggle is real.

If you see Mrs. Rat come your way,
It’s best that you run away.
For the talkative rat,
Will do nothing but chat,
And she’ll gladly keep you all day.

When he began in the spring,
The gardener felt like a king. 
Then the dandelions grew, 
Tore the garden in two,
And he couldn’t do a darn thing.

A woman whose name was Louise, 
Broke herself trying to please.
She made her hands throb,
Doing everyone’s job,
While her fellows enjoyed lives of ease.

Don’t be Louise. Set boundaries. Say yes to saying no!

Karen was horribly rude,
She complained while she ordered her food. 
She should have been wary, 
One cashier was a fairy, 
Who cursed her for her attitude. 

If you like avocados on toast,
And you want to live near the coast, 
Then save up a lot, 
Or you won't get a spot, 
And you'll have to say "adios".

When a chicken invested in stock, 
It left her broker in shock.
A bird financially keen,
Was something he'd never seen,
So he couldn't help but to gawk.

Veggies filled Steven with hate.
He gaged when they were on his plate.
He would grumble and brood,
When presented with such food,
And for the meat, he would wait.

I’ve been known to behave this way, but unlike Steven, I am not a crocodile and have no excuse.

A sleepy and ravenous bear,
Noticed a can sitting there.
Wanting a snack, 
He went to unpack,
Though the humans did scream, yell, and swear.

This is a true story. A bear dumped my garbage this week. We caught him on our security camera.

The next morning, I went out to clean up the trash he had spread all over the yard. I noticed that he had licked the yogurt tubs clean and eaten a whole bag of moldy bagels.

It was the cutest and the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen.

When I find myself needing some cheer, 
I do not reach for a beer. 
There's only one drink, 
To pull me from the brink,
And that drink is coffee, my dear.

I feel like 99.9% of my limericks are about coffee.

There once was an insecure whale.
Who thought he could do nothing but fail.
He was smarter than he knew, 
And his confidence grew, 
When he learned he'd been accepted to Yale.

Not sure how he’s going to attend class on land…

There once was a fellow named Greg,
Who longed for a chocolate egg.
He could not recall, 
Having eaten them all, 
And so he decided to beg. 

There was a religious rabbit,
Who decided to don a habit. 
Could a rabbit endure? 
The monks were not sure. 
But he soon was promoted to abbot.

There once was a lobster named Brad, 
Who decided that he would wear plaid.
But his fellows mocked, 
And the lobster was shocked, 
And continued through life unclad. 

I don’t know why I am hating on lobsters this week. A lobster never once wronged me, aside from freaking me out slightly at the aquarium. Maybe I’m the jerk?

(Katy takes a long moment to reflect.)

When a skunk wanted to be alone,
He put on some smelly cologne.
While this rancid perfume, 
Did clear out the room, 
It's not something I can condone. 

James wanted the entire scone,
But he couldn't bear living alone. 
So he took out a knife, 
And gave half to his wife, 
And was not forced to live on his own.

A fish was unusually bold.
So into college he enrolled. 
The sight of a bass,
In an algebra class,
Was certainly one to behold.

There once was a fellow named Bill, 
A cookie he'd fight for and kill.
He was so filled with hate, 
He stole from Santa's plate,
And what he got for Christmas was nil.

A fur tree of towering height,
Decorated with ornaments bright,
Fell near the cat, 
Almost knocking him flat,
And gave him a horrible fright.

In the aquarium in Atlanta,
Resided a ravenous manta.
He wanted more fish,
To add to his dish,
So he wrote a letter to Santa.

There are like two words that rhyme with “Santa” but by an amazing stroke of luck, there is an aquarium with manta rays in Georgia.

Insisting that she was the boss,
Of making the cranberry sauce,
Darlene picked a fight, 
And was up half the night, 
Being disgruntled and cross. 

Between you and me, I like the canned stuff. Yes, that stuff that’s unnaturally red and keeps the shape of the can when you dump it. Delicious!

Bonus! Here is an illustration of last year’s limerick. Happy Thanksgiving!

There once was a fellow named Sam. 
Who wished Thanksgiving dinner was ham. 
Suggesting this change,
Soon got him estranged. 
So he went home alone and ate spam.

Sam just had to be different, didn’t he?

An artist once used neon paint,
To complete a portrait of a saint.
It was put on display,
But soon taken away,
When the cantor filed a complaint.