Here is the latest political scandal from the fish people of the planet Bosun. If you’d like to read about the previous scandals first, here you go:
All of the politicians on the planet Bosun are carp. By which I mean that they are reverse merpeople with the upper half resembling a carp and the lower half probably resembling human legs and feet. It’s hard to tell for sure because they keep their pants on, which is more than can be said for our politicians here on Earth.
Now, the Bosunian politicians are divided into two factions known as the Bildge and the Clew. Each of these two factions claims to be kind-hearted, morally upright, and darn good people all around. Each of these factions also likes to claim that the opposing party is made up entirely of slimy bottom feeders.
What’s truly tragic about this situation is that if these factions just took the time to listen deeply to one another, they would discover that they both really want the same things–power and money.
But alas, deep listening was not their priority. They preferred to yell loudly over each other, or, as in today’s story, get podcasters to do it for them.
Bosunian citizen Drogue was a swordfish from the waist up and, as such, loved to fight. However, he found old-fashioned nose-to-nose combat a bit dangerous for his tastes. He discovered that by becoming a political commentator, he could engage in all the fights he wanted, without breaking scales. It was the best career a swordfish could dream of.
He happened to get his hands on an extra juicy story he couldn’t wait to break to his audience. It was the biggest scandal in the history of Bosunian politics. Councilman Cleat, Bildge party representative, had been caught on tape sucking algae with a pleco.
Drogue was a fair, objective political commentator. He was speaking about this story because his listeners had the right to know. It had nothing to do with him being a registered Clew. It was his duty to follow Bildge party members around with a camera and wait for them to do something disgraceful. After all, if a member of the Great Council of Piscus was caught in the company of bottom feeders, would anyone take their government seriously anymore? It would probably be the beginning of the end of democracy as the Bosunians knew it, AND it would generate a million clicks.
So Drogue, the great citizen journalist, leaned into his microphone (being careful to keep his nose out of the way), and eagerly made the story known.
Drogue’s broadcast came to the speakers of a piranha by the name of Leech. Leech listened to this podcast religiously, eager for something to rip apart. He was also an influencer, differing only from Drogue in political affiliation. The story of Councilman Cleat gave him just the material he was looking for.
He rubbed his fins together greedily and ventured to his filing cabinet searching for the collection of stories he had been saving for just this occasion.
Leech always live streamed his podcast an hour after Drogue’s, so he could counter all of his points. Snapping his spiky teeth together, he leaned into his microphone and began.
“Huge scandal today, guys,” he started. “Councilman Cleat was caught sucking algae with a pleco! Horrible, I know right? Except that, I’m old enough to remember when Clew Councilman Skoot was caught sucking algae with the exact same pleco back in May. The media ignored that one, didn’t they?”
His red eyes moved down the paper in his hands.
“And let’s not forget how much Councilman Turnbuckle LOVED bottom feeders. His entire staff was made up of catfish!”
He went on listing scandal after scandal involving Clew Councilfish associating with bottomfeeders.
“These Clew have no respect for our council, our government, or our planet generally,” Leech concluded. “They are the true slimy bottom feeders!”
Drogue’s podcast the following day responded directly to Leech. It was almost as if they were sitting across the table screaming at each other, instead of delivering a daily news podcast.
“If the Bildge had any respect for the Council,” Drogue objected. “Then Councilman Wake wouldn’t have put those classified documents in his glove box. That was a threat to planetary security!”
Drogue then dedicated the next hour to reviewing his carefully documented list of illegal activity carried out by various members of the Bildge party.
One hour later, Leech was ready with the following:
“In the glove box? Really? Is that as bad as the time Clew Councilman Yawl used classified documents to make the paper mache centerpiece for the Convention of Interplanetary Aristocrats?”
And so it continued with each side listing the sins of the other. Never did one of these commentators suggest that maybe it was time to remove carp from their leadership altogether. They just went back and forth over and over, arguing about which side was worse.
Meanwhile, a beautiful pleco by the name of Coral Eelgrass was getting ready for her book launch. She was about to make bank on a tell-all autobiography titled Everyone Sucks.
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