How Polytopia Destroyed Joe’s Marriage

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This story is 90% true.


Before going to the altar, Joe did everything he could to prepare for his marriage. He read countless books on sustaining relationships, attended talks by expert marriage counselors, and even took an assessment with his fiancee to see where they might encounter conflict. He was committed, deeply in love, and was in it for life. But six years in, the universe threw him a curve ball. Nothing in all his marriage prep could have prepared him for Polytopia

Polytopia is a phone game that allows opponents to create digital empires and war with each other. It’s more addicting than any drug on planet Earth and will bring you to dark places you never want to revisit. 

Now Joe and Katy were deeply competitive, and though quite fond of each other under normal circumstances, became bitter enemies whenever playing a game. They had a mutual agreement never to touch Monopoly, and Dominion almost led to bloodshed on more than one occasion. 

Another couple suggested Joe download the game. No one knows for sure why a couple, claiming to be friends, would do such a thing. Some say the game is cursed and the only way to break the curse is to pass it on to someone else. Likely, this is what motivated them.

Even so, Joe should never have clicked the link, he should never have downloaded the app and he certainly shouldn’t have suggested Katy do the same. 

Joe and Katy started a multiplayer game. They built square empires and created square warriors. They smashed each other with square weapons until Joe was victorious. Now Katy rethought her strategy and challenged Joe to a rematch. She destroyed him in a conflict that would have been quite bloody had the characters not been made of pixels. 

Joe did not accept defeat. He rethought his strategy. He sent another game request. They fought, he won. Katy changed her strategy and challenged him. And so it continued, Katy won. Joe won. Katy won. Joe won. They were consumed by the game, trapped by their relentless pride. 

Eighty years later they still fight. Locked in eternal conflict, the curse unbroken. Sometimes the nurses who care for them try to make conversation. 

“Good morning, Katy,” one will try.

“Just a moment, deary, I am trying to kill my husband!” She’ll reply. 

If the nurse greets Joe he’ll say: “Dagnabbit! That woman just spawned a knight and took out half my army!” 

Then, he’ll throw his phone across the room and Katy will throw hers and they’ll start hitting each other with their canes until the staff has to separate them.

Do not, under any circumstances, download this game.

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